I had a complicated relationship with my mother
When my Mom was alive we didn’t really celebrate Mother’s Day. We would try, but our hearts were not really in it.
My Mom struggled with Motherhood. I thought she was selfish and did not love us. Her addiction dominated our life. I never was able to have a close relationship with her. I held an incredible amount of anger and resentment over that.
It sounds weird, but I loved her, but recognized she wasn’t a good Mom. Mother’s Day just felt like a reminder of what I never had.
Nearly six years have passed since her death. Mother’s Day is a glaring reminder that my Mom is no longer here. Despite our complicated relationship, I miss her.
Since her passing I have changed. Prior to her death she apologized to me. It was a brief, but it helped me heal. I have learned so much about addiction and dysfunction. My viewpoints of her have softened.
I don’t think that she hurt me on purpose. I believe that she was so lost so deeply in her pain and addiction she could not see it. It doesn’t excuse the worst of what I dealt with, but it gives me closure. I choose to forgive because I refuse to carry that pain forward.
I can hold her responsible for her mistakes, but still feel the pain of her absence.
If your struggling this weekend, please know you are not alone. Know that there are many who are right beside you.
We will get through this together. 💙